RIGHT, LET’S RIP OFF THE BAND-AID…
Let’s get right into it: It’s astrology time, folks.
So, the general situ on this zodiac shiz is that there’s 12 star signs in Western astrology and they’re based on 12 eclipse points on the Zodiac Belt, AKA the plane on which the sun travels in a circle each year. Depending on the sun’s position on this belt, different constellations can be visible, and their nuanced “celestial radiations” supposedly affect the Earth thus our temperaments. So this is how horoscopes came about and is why the 12 star signs have associated personal qualities: because of the ever-changing planetary configurations and their varying celestial energies. It’s also why you might hear in late June, “Ugh, Cancer season… Shit’s about to get emosh.” Or perhaps in late October, you’ll hear, “Fark, everyone’s so intense!!” Because it’s Scorpio season.
It takes approx. 30 days for the sun to move on its merry way to the next star sign phase, but knowing which zodiac phase we’re in gets confusing because the sun’s Zodiac Belt transit doesn’t line up with our traditional Gregorian calendar. A good rule of thumb is that it’s generally the early 20-something of the month that a new star sign gets the spotlight. So, around the 22nd/23rd of May, for example, it’ll move from Taurus season to Gemini. What’s this all mean for you? Well…
THE STAR SIGN PERSONALITIES
As I mentioned the star signs have personality traits connected with them. But, these zodiac characteristics are only pretty true because there are three sub-types of each star sign. “Whaaaaa?” Yeah. I was totes shocked, too. Each month has three decans, or 10-day periods, into which these sub-types fall. This explains why you could know two Leos that are, by and large, fairly similar when compared to a Taurus, say, but the two Leos are fairly different when compared to each other.
Also you need to factor in a person’s natal chart (a chart that plots out the exact planetary configurations at the time of your birth) to really get an accurate personality analysis. Nevertheless for a quick indication of someone’s character and their value system, star signs are especially handy. Why? You can use this understanding of what fundamentally drives someone to work in your favor; you can learn how to manipulate the situation and hopefully, achieve the outcome you wanted.
Sure, a skeptic would say that all of this astrology hoo-ha is baloney and that people’s personalities are dictated by a hearty mixture of nature and nurture. They would be correct. But there’s also a little too much coincidence (and not in the Baader-Meinhof sense) between the general traits affiliated with particular star signs. Plus it’s just fun! Who cares if astrology’s legit, who cares if it’s all a bunch of crap. You know what star signs and astrology are? Fun. Read about yours!
THE STAR SIGNS DECODED
What: The ram
Who: A guns-blazing, no-bullshit, let’s-fucking-do-this, kinda boss bitch who doesn’t wait for, want, or need your approval.
Ruling planet: Mars
Kindred signs: Leo, Sagittarius
– Hedonistic – Lazy – Flighty – Overemotional – Egoistic – Hypercritical – Indecisive – Manipulative – Brusque – Insecure – Extremist
What: The bull
Who: You can catch this B working her ass of to create a secure future, usually living a bourgeois life on a budget.
Ruling planet: Venus
Kindred signs: Virgo, Capricorn
What: The twins
Who: These chatty Cathys know how to spin are yarn with anyone, about anything, and their fast mouths and quick minds get them into as much trouble as they create opportunities.
Ruling planet: Mercury
Kindred signs: Libra, Aquarius
– Easily distracted
What: The crab
Who: The home-loving, super-nurturing water baby who believes the best in people but will stab ya if you double cross them.
Ruling planet: The moon
Kindred signs: Scorpio, Pisces
– Holds a grudge
What: The lion
Who: This king of the jungle marches to the beat of her own drum, wears her heart on her sleeve, and doesn’t take shit from anyone because she’s protecting the tender, little lion cub inside.
Ruling planet: The sun
Kindred signs: Sagittarius, Aries
What: The virgin
Who: “Keep calm and carry on” is this hard-working glamorpuss’s M.O.. She’ll bend over backwards to get it done, and she’ll do it without a hair out of place.
Ruling planet: Mercury
Kindred signs: Capricorn, Taurus
What: The scales
Who: If ever there were a hopeless romantic it would be this strong-willed, eloquent traditionalist who knows just how to prove a point and put you under her spell.
Ruling planet: Venus
Kindred signs: Aquarius, Gemini
What: The scorpion
Who: Few can resist the fiercely seductive and powerful Scorpio. She’ll woo you with her intense gaze and childish innocence, but heaven help the poor soul who gets in the way of this Medusa.
Ruling planet: Pluto
Kindred signs: Pisces, Cancer
What: The archer
Who: Dear Sagi’s bark is worse than their bite. Seekers of the truth (and experiences), they’ll put their foot it in it more times they can count, but their intentions are pure and their awkwardness, endearing.
Ruling planet: Jupiter
Kindred signs: Aries, Leo
What: The goat
Who: This ultra sleek chick has a head on her shoulders and her pedicured feet on the ground. Sure, she’s expensive taste, but she’ll damn well do the work to earn her trinkets.
Ruling planet: Saturn
Kindred signs: Taurus, Virgo
+ Impeccable taste
What: January 20-February 18
Who: The most progressive of all the signs, the quirky, whip-smart Aquarius isn’t afraid to question the status quo or consider “outlandish” ideas. In fact, the more unusual, the better.
Ruling planet: Uranus
Kindred signs: Gemini, Libra
What: February 19-March 20
Who: Don’t be fooled by peacemaker Pisces’s dreamy energy; she’s a business powerhouse thanks to her innate personability and knack for creative strategies.
Ruling planet: Neptune
Kindred signs: Cancer, Scorpio