THE BUSH BE PARCHED.

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized by a sex drought. *This bitch.* If we’re being super candid and totally objective (nart), I probably hold the world record for longest sex drought while single. At nearly four years I’ve earned it. And yes, before you ask, it almost killed me. 

Perhaps the worst part of not getting it in when you would really like to get it in, is not finding anyone with whom you want to get it in. I was on every dating app, even a couple of dating sites, I’d go out as often as I could find some friends to come with me, but, nada. Crickets. I’d go out with guys, smooch a fair few of them, maybs do other shiz, but I couldn’t find any Mans™ who I wanted, or would even deign, to sleep with. And I’m not crazy! (Not more than most.) Or insufferable! (I don’t think.) Or grossly unattractive! (So I’ve been told.)

“The worst part of not getting it in when you would really like to get it in, is not finding anyone with whom you want to get it in.”

My standards were high, but not excessively so; more just high enough so I could maintain some self respect. Yet no one who I even entertained the idea of sleeping with wanted to sleep with me, and I couldn’t bear the thought of sleeping with the dudes who wanted to do so with moi. It was an interesting time. 

Not really. Rather un-fun, actually. However the one benefit of my sex drought (we’re going with this, yeah? Making lemonade outta lemons, etc.) is that it did give me some pretty interesting insights. And y’know what, dear cherubs? I’ma share them with you!  

So you don’t have to endure the snoozefest that is a sans-sausage spell, here’s why sex droughts are dangerous to your health:

1. THEY’RE BAD FOR YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. 

Dry spells are depressing. No, literally, dry spells are depressing. They negatively affect your mood. Lack of touch and physical affection drives you nuts. Fa realz. Psychologist Harry Harlow proved this back in 1965 with his monkey study on isolation

The American scientist created a set of experiments where he isolated infant rhesus monkeys to examine what happens when they’re denied social interaction. They had sensory stimulus and feeders so their basic survival needs were met, just no opportunity for touch or socializing. 

In time, what d’you think happened? Shockingly (lol, nart really), the isolated monkeys exhibited varying degrees of aggression, depression, and anxiety. So, it basically showed what happens to humans when our relationships are limited and no bonding is had. But there’s hope: The lovely bit I didn’t tell you was that Harlow tried to rehabilitate the affected monkeys. 

“Physical touch is the cheapest anti-anxiety and mood-boosting medication.”

And he did so fairly successfully. His poor, little crazy monks were socialized with infant monkeys and, even though some of the mentally-disturbed monkeys’ symptoms worsened initially, they then acclimatized and their pathologies dramatically decreased. 

Connecting with others is essential to maintaining a healthy mental state. Physical touch is the cheapest anti-anxiety and mood-boosting medication. So I prescribe at least one hug to be taken daily. If you really want to/can be a health overachiever, engaging in sexual activity improves social anxiety and also boosts men’s immune systems

Well I’m sold. Cue: the saucy lingerie…


2. YOUR CONFIDENCE SUFFERS.

For this one no scientific papers are required; not feeling sexually desired can all-too-effectively dampen your confidence. You’ll start to pick yourself apart and wonder what it is that’s driving people away. Because even if you don’t thrive off external validation, once in a while it’s bloody nice to know that someone fancies the literal pants off of you. Obvs it doesn’t have to get that far, but knowing you’re a hot commodity in someone’s eyes is the Darwinian approval we all crave at a basic level.

 

3. YOU BEGIN TO HAVE TROUBLE CONNECTING WITH OTHERS.

Just as you can be out of shape physically, you can be out of shape emotionally. When you’ve not had that closeness with someone, you’re basically unfit sexually. It’s harder to form intimate connections with people because you’ve forgotten how to do it. 

Taylor Morris Eyewear Zero IV

When you’re this tight emotionally, only a lil’ sexual healing will loosen you up. Stella needs to get her groove back. Someone give Stella her groove back! You’ll be so much more chill when you just have a bang, and your relationships with others will totally improve, too. Even if the person you do it with isn’t the being of your dreams, it’ll still have a dramatic effect on your interpersonal connections. Trust.

 

4. IT’S KEEPING YOU IN LOVE WITH YOUR EX. 

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“To get over someone you need to get under someone else.” FACT. Adhering to this dating truism will keep you sane and make it a helluva lot easier to get over the last significant guy you got under. If you’re yet to find this person, you’ll start to get confused by pining for a figure of that person who no longer wants to be with you; a romantic fantasy that blends their best features and the freshness of a new person.

You’ll project this onto the men (if ya hetero) in your life that you like/trust, and get really muddled because rationally you know you do want to be with them romantically, but your heart so intensely craves a similar intimacy and sense of comfort it’ll mess with your head.

 

5. YOU HAVE NO GREAT STORIES.

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A superficial reason, yeah, but not so fast. Bad decisions make great stories, and you won’t have anything to contribute to the break room chats if you don’t rustle up some scandal out-of-office. Be a kitchen chats contributor. Obviously don’t get into bed with the first person who so much as glances your way. But, there is a lot to be said for just going for it.

Tamara Mellon, The Frontline - Barely there straps lengthen legs and drop jaws

What else would you be doing? Sitting at home, getting RSI from screen swiping or flicking your bean? Booooringggg. Go out and live! And when you do, wear a condom! Or you will get pregnant and die.

So fuck someone. Brush away the cobwebs. Give the pipes a-cleanin’. Get back in (or rather, on) the saddle. Sex doesn’t always have to be such a big deal. Why be thirsty when there’s water all around?

SAY SOMETHING!

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